I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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