when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
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