so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
