haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Randomize
