so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Randomize
