The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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