Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
