We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
