Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
