he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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