i think my tv is drunk
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
