I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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