Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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