yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
