And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
