I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Randomize
