I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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