she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
She's allergic to latex.
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?