Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.