I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
