textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
