omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
