I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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