I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
