well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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