Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize
