When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
