If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
