I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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