Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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