Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
