You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
