I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
