Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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