I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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