I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Randomize
