By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I stole a fireplace last night.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
