I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
