he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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