oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
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