I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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