I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
