just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
