I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
