He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Randomize
