i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
