Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
