Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
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