I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Randomize
