We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Randomize
