arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
