I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
