I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
