my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
