I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I met the friendliest cop last night
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
