Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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