I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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