I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
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